I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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