I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
