I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
