I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
