not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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