The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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