I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
