just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
