Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
