I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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