So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
