Someone shit on the floor
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just invented taco cereal.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
