I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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