2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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