pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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