You kept calling me your small dog last night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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