He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
