He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
