She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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