My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
