Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
