I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
