Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I need water and some morals
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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