i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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