You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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