She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
