I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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