god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
