i was rollin on her like bob the builder
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
