Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
