chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
