Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
