I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
