I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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