I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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