My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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