not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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