the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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