I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
