I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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