ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
