Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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