we have pet lesbian snakes
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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