im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
