I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
