i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
This house was built for laser tag.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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