i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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