woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
