Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
