i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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